Let's face it, relaxation and anxiety are not great bedfellows.
In a world which promotes wellbeing and mental health with one hand, and productivity and spontaneous adventure on the other, it can be hard to find your way. Needless to say, for anxious souls like me it is almost impossible to switch from survival stress mode, to relaxed and carefree.
The waters are officially muddied.
Anxious Celebrations?
For as long as I can remember Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) has somewhat hampered my ability to be happy. When I think back to what on paper should be the most joyous of occasions; like the birth of my child, my husband’s proposal, or our honeymoon in Sydney, anxiety was always lurking around the corner, ready to stamp on my happy parade. Stripping me of my ability to enjoy the moment.
Almost making me feel like I am not worthy of such riches.
Run Down of the Highs and Lows
In fact, whilst writing this post, it has dawned on me that I manage to bring stress into everything I do. I am sad that, in my long term memory store when I think of such ‘happy’ occasions, it is far easier for me to remember the things that went wrong, or caused me stress, rather than happy memories to last a lifetime.
I spent the first six months of my first child’s life so stressed – we're talking shoulders rigid almost up to my ears kind of stressed. At one point, I thought she was in a coma, but she was just heavily sleeping. I called 111, and by the time we had finished the triage questions, she woke up…
My husband proposed to me on the banks of the Grand Canal in Venice. It should have been the most romantic moment of my life. But I was so sure that everyone was looking at me, and making fun of me that I wanted to jump in the water to escape.
We went to Australia for our honeymoon, there were so many potential memories of a lifetime to be had there. But I was so full of fear, afraid my daughter would be eaten by sharks, I would get bitten by a nasty spider, or we would drive off a cliff and crash into the sea.
Generalised Anxiety
Day-to-day life is no different, I am a nervous wreck before we go on any kind of day trip or take part in a family event. I am a walking risk assessment, a fun-sponge. I have to regularly stop myself from being too forceful with my exacting ways. I need to remember that fun is also the key to a good day. Not just being hyper-organised and on high alert for danger.
People used to say things like “You need to relax more.” Or, “Have you tried mindfulness?” And I felt like screaming. I would love to be that person who can relax at the drop of a hat. Down tools, power nap, go with the flow. But sadly I am one of life’s full steam ahead-kind of folk. Every detail is taken care of and timed to perfection, planned down to the last second.
Mindfulness Mastered
I do practise mindfulness now, it helps me to sleep. But it was not easy at first. I remember my very patient counsellor trying to teach me. I had to sit and zone in on a ticking clock and push every other thought out of my mind. I could not do it for toffee. Thoughts were racing in and out of mind. Eventually, the negativity just took over. Intrusive thoughts like, “You’re not good at anything. Even relaxing!” Plus I believe I have misophonia, which is an extreme emotional reaction to sounds, so I struggle with repetitive sounds. [1] When I am anxious, these sounds magnify and set off alarm bells throughout my body and senses.
So now, when it comes to dropping off to sleep, I have now taught myself to calm by breathing deeply and imagining I have won the lottery. (Whatever works for you, right?) Then I imagine what I would spend it on. Before I know it I have drifted off into a heavy sleep.
But I have not mastered mindfulness and relaxation in the daytime. During the waking hours I start worrying about the people I have missed out of my imaginary lottery gift list. How does one relax and enjoy life’s pleasurable moments?!
Help, my Amygdala has been Hijacked!
I know I am not alone. GAD sufferers regularly feel this sense of threat or panic where there is none. It is aptly named the “Amygdala Hijack.”
The Amygdala is the part of the brain which releases adrenaline into the body when there is a threat or stress to help cope with an emergency situation. Usually, if a stressful event is deemed non-threatening by our sensible frontal lobes in the brain, then it tells the amygdala to stand down, then the fear and anxiety will fade. Through the years I have worked hard, having many hostage negotiations with my amygdala to back off…
The science says that our brains need time to adjust from productive to restful. Anxious people even more so. [2]
What I have noticed about the huge happy yet anxiety-inducing occasions is that I feel out of control. I have not been able to plan for happiness. I have only planned for survival, staying alive. Essential details only. I have allowed no room for happiness in my life.
So What Can One Do?
I am sure that there are happy memories, but my brain has decided to keep the negatives in the forefront of my mind. Countless years of prolonged stress and anxiety and amygdala hijacks can cause issues with short-term memory. Recently I have gone back through old photos, I find that it really helps me see that there were happy times peppered in between all of the stress.
Mental health professionals advise improving my emotional intelligence. [3] Being able to tune in to my emotions, which will also help me to move from stress to calm quicker, understand people’s emotional responses better and steer away from disagreements.
Have a Word
I personally like to give myself a good talking to. Genuinely.
Telling myself that “I’m having a moment,” actually works and calms me. I’m able to move on from the fear quicker. Also when I notice an Amygdala Hijack might be on the horizon, I try to step away from the action momentarily. Look up at the sky. Close your eyes (unless driving or piloting a plane, obviously), breathe slowly and deeply. In a matter of seconds, the cortisol that was racing to the amygdala to make you feel stressed makes a U-turn.
Moving forward, I have decided to try to let spontaneity and trust be part of my relaxation and leisure plans. Trust that nothing bad will happen if I haven’t planned down to the last second. Also, planning for fun, happiness, and relaxation is not always necessary. It has always been there, right in front of me. It is anything, with anyone, for any amount of time that is pleasurable.
Three Things I’ve Learnt from this Experience
Photos are an excellent tool to retrospectively claw back and cement some happy memories and vibes from joyous yet otherwise stressful events in your long-term memory store.
Call out that inner negative dialogue, recognise that you are ‘having a moment’, slow down your breathing, and this should help you distance yourself from the fact your amygdala has been hijacked.
Master mindfulness, your own way. Try thinking about a list of your top ten holidays you have ever had. Or like me, winning the lottery and what you would spend those bucks on. That’s mindfulness, bringing your thoughts to the here and now, or a diversion from unhelpful tools.
References
https://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk. (n.d.). Misophonia - OHSPIC. OHSPIC. https://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/ohspic/problems/misophonia/
Imad, M. (2022). Teaching to Empower: Leveraging the neuroscience of How to help students become Self-Regulated Learners. PubMed, 20(2), A254–A262. https://doi.org/10.59390/wtlq2344
Rowden, A. (2021, April 19). What to know about amygdala hijack. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/amygdala-hijack
Kelly has been an anxious soul since birth, probably even in the womb. In her day job she is a children's mental health support worker. But in her spare time, squeezed in between being a mum, wife and dog-mum she is also a mental health blogger.
Check out GAWD (Generalised Anxiety and Worry Diaries) to hear more from Kelly, where she mixes personal stories along with a teeny bit of science to help us make sense of all this mental health stuff!
If you would like to submit a story, anonymously or under your name, please get in touch! You can fill out the contact form on the website or email youmeandanxiety@outlook.com!
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