I Am Not Bouji – I Just Have Anxiety | The Column
What does the term bouji mean? A female that is high class and has a snobbish mannerism.
“She doesn’t speak to anyone, she thinks she’s better than everybody else.” – Funny, right?
NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER
This is my anxiety. There are many branches of anxiety I deal with on a day to day basis but nothing beats my social anxiety. People assume because you don’t speak to anyone you’re probably bouji? A loner, quiet or anti-social.
In all reality I’m none of those things. I am friendly, open minded, welcoming and kindhearted. I know myself so well that I have to prove I’m all these things to other people. I ask myself, why? Even without speaking I’m getting judged.
Imagine being scared to talk to people just to say a small “hello”, my heart starts beating rapidly and my mind is answering my questions for me without even opening my mouth. Before I know it the person that was talking to me disappears.
Watching people around me talking about their mutual friends and having laughs here and there actually make me feel uncomfortable like, why can’t I have that? I have so much I want to get off my chest but yet I can’t seem to. Something is pulling me back and sometimes I don’t want to even blame it on my anxiety. I just want to say “That’s my character” but I know it’s not.
START AT ACCEPTANCE
What is my motivation? – Being the best person, I can be, anxiety or not I’m still going to strive.
I accept my anxiety. I accept all those lonely days. I accept my social anxiety. I accept my awkwardness. But you know what I accept the most? The good things about having anxiety.
The earphones that swallow me with music to keep me distracted from what’s around me. The little snacks I nibble on to draw attention to something other than myself. The long/short walks I have just to pass by time. The emotional moments that teach me more about myself.
The trips to the bathroom to calm myself down and to say “Don’t worry” is the most powerful thing about having anxiety, for better or for worse my anxiety is a love and a curse.
I love and I hate it but every day it’s a huge challenge and every day I feel stronger.
I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS:
Trust what you know. Even if you do the same things you do every day, it’s taking that step. I know that step can feel like you’re getting thrown into a huge hole but trust and believe it’s not only you suffering.
Everyone suffers from anxiety once in their life, just some suffer from it more but no matter the degree everyone should be able to receive that comfort.
And a note to myself – No, I am not bouji. I am just comfortable within my anxiety.
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